Surviving Domestic and family Violence

You are not alone and there is help 

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What is Domestic and family violence? Recognising the Signs

Domestic and family violence is when someone you have a relationship with makes you feel afraid, powerless and unsafe in an attempt to hurt and maintain control over you. Domestic Violence is not just physical; it can come in many forms, including:

• Emotional - Putting you down, yelling and swearing, scaring you, making threats of self-harm or harm to you, a loved one and/or pet. 

• Financial - Controlling money, stopping you from using your money, or stealing your money.

• Physical - Pushing, shoving, kicking, slapping, choking or threatening to do those things.

• Sexual - Unwanted sexual contact, intercourse, degrading and aggressive sexual behavior. 

• Stalking - Following you, tracking you and monitoring calls, texts and other devices.

• Social - Isolating you from friends, family, community and work connections. 

All types of violence are serious. Many people who experience Domestic Violence will never experience physical violence, and so they might not even realise it’s happening. Domestic and family violence can affect any person irrespective of age, gender, socio-economic status or cultural background. Certain groups within the community may be at greater risk of experiencing domestic and family violence.

These groups can include but are not limited to people with disability and impairment, people with mental illness, people from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds, Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people, and the LGBTIQ+ community.

Domestic Violence doesn’t just have to come from a romantic partner, it can also come from your ex partner, a family member, a family friend or a carer/guardian.

How the Legislation ProtectS You

There are a number of legislations currently in place surrounding Domestic Violence. Understanding the legislation not only helps you to define what DV is, but it helps you to know how you and your children are protected by the law.

What constitutes Domestic Violence? (Family Law Act Amendment 2012)

According to the Family Law Act Amendment 2012, child abuse and family violence consist of the following:

Individual – Child Abuse (in a family setting):

• An assault (including sexual assault)

• Person involving the child in sexual activity (in which the child is used directly or indirectly as a sexual object), where there is unequal power between the child and the other person

• Causing the child to suffer serious psychological harm (including, but not limited to, when that harm is caused by the child being subjected to or exposed to domestic violence)

• Serious neglect of a child

Relationship – Family Violence:

• Sexual assault or other sexually abusive behaviour

• Stalking

• Repeated derogatory taunts

• Intentionally damaging or destroying property

• Intentionally causing death or injury to an animal

• Unreasonably denying the family member the financial autonomy that he or she should otherwise have had

• Unreasonably withholding financial support needed to meet the reasonable living expenses of the family member, or his or her child, at a time when the family member is entirely or predominantly dependent on the person for financial support

• Preventing the family member from making or keeping connections with his or her family, friends or culture

• Unlawfully depriving the family member, or any member of the family member's family, of his or her liberty

Even a child who has been exposed to family violence (overhearing, seeing or being present at the site) is protected under this act.

Keeping Yourself Safe (QLD Domestic and Family Violence Act. 2012)

The QLD Domestic and Family Violence Act 2012 is the central Act under which police and courts aim to provide protection to victims of family violence.

"Family violence includes certain behaviours that may be displayed by one partner towards the other partner, when those people are in what is called a relevant relationship."

The Act defines a 'relevant relationship' as:

• An intimate partner relationship (i.e. spousal defacto/ex-partner relationships, engaged couples and same sex/couples)

• Broader family relationships connected through marriage (flexibility is given for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander kin relationships)

• Informal care relationships - not under a commercial arrangement (e.g. when a family member is aged or has a disability).

The Act defines DFV as:

• Physical & Sexual Abuse

• Emotional or Psychological Abuse

• Economic Abuse

• Threatening Behaviour

• Coercive Behaviour

• Control or Domination over a person that causes them to fear for their own or another person’s safety

Keeping your children safe (The Child Protection Act of QLD 1999 + Domestic and Family Violence Prevention Act 2012)

The Child Protection legislation acknowledges the harmful impacts on children that are exposed to Domestic Violence, and provides protection for children impacted by family violence.

The Domestic and Family Violence Prevention Act 2012 defines how children may be exposed to domestic violence; and a child can be protected by being named on an order which is made for the benefit of another person.

If your children are removed by Child Protection, know that it is not your fault. We know this can be a scary thought; luckily, there are online resources to answer questions you may have about this process. To find out information about if your children are removed, getting your children back and who they can stay with, you can have a look here.

How to report domestic and family violence?

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger due to Domestic Violence, follow these steps:

1. If it is safe to do so, call the police rather than using any online/SMS options;

2. If the offence is happening now or if you or someone else is in danger dial triple zero immediately;

3. If you have information about domestic and family violence and if the offence is not happening now and the person is safe then contact Policelink on 131 444 (available 24/7);

4. If the safest way for you to contact the QPS is online or SMS, then use the online options;

5. Make sure you give clear details about what is happening, tell us if there are weapons involved and any other information that will assist with officer safety and your safety;

6. Download the Emergency + (Plus) App on your phone;

7. Alternatively, you can make contact with a police officer or police station through the Contact Queensland Police form. Queensland Police also have a messaging service that allows vulnerable persons to contact police for non-urgent matters.

For more information on reporting Domestic Violence or details on getting in contact with the police and how they can protect you, click here. 

Recovery & Assistance

Support Yourself

Deciding to leave an abusive relationship is a difficult decision and requires careful planning and support. Everyone has the right to respectful, loving relationships and no one should live in fear. Whether you are currently in an abusive relationship, are planning to leave, or have already left, it’s important to support yourself. You can do this by:

• Linking with local organisations providing prevention services and support. You can find a list of organisations here.

• Find supportive friends - talk to someone you trust. It’s easier to cope with others than to do it alone. If you don’t have this, you can reach out to any of the phone counselling services listed below.

• Contact a support group - they can offer you direct help through shared experiences and like-minded people.

• Make a safety plan - include emergency numbers, pack clothing/toiletries, important documents, medication etc in case you have to escape quickly.

• Contact the police when you decide to leave – the police can be on standby when you leave to ensure your safety or if you need to return to collect possessions later on.

• See a doctor - if you are feeling anxious or depressed. Consider talking to a counsellor/psychologist about how the experience has affected you.

• Recognise your strengths - to create a more positive life. Your skills and abilities helped you survive and/or leave an abusive relationship and are signs of your capability under intense pressure.

• Understand how valuable you are and work to grow your self-esteem (Find out more about the importance of self-esteem here)

• If you need immediate help call 000.

Community Care Can Support You

At Community Care, we understand that you may have experienced fear and coercive dynamics in your relationships. Our team members are experienced in Domestic Violence support and we are here to help you.

We aim to provide you with experiences of choice, a sense of control, confirm your strengths, build your confidence and to provide you the relevant information that you need to make decisions, such as:

• Laws that can protect you

• Specific agencies that can be of assistance

• Steps you can take when you do make a decision to act

The support our team can provide includes:

• Food hampers, clothing and furniture to help you in setting up your new home

• Talk to one of our team members to gain guidance and assistance with your next steps, or just for a listening ear and friendly face

• Care and hygiene packs

• Mentor/coach for 12 months

• Workshops and courses to help you connect with others and learn foundational life skills, including Single & Parenting, Divorce Care, Circuit Breaker and more.

• Assistance with errands and tasks, such as filling out forms

ORGANISATIONS

There are many services that are available to all DFV abuse survivors. Here, we will provide you with the numbers and details of organisations that can help at all stages of your situation, including those that can provide:

• Food pantries / banks / hampers

• Utility, transport and fuel vouchers

• Pharmaceutical vouchers

• Clothing

• Crisis / hardship payment through Centrelink

• Legal aid and the Women's Legal Service

• Accommodation through the Department of Housing

• Temporary crisis accommodation through various referrals to shelters or refuges

• Counselling services

First Port of Call:

• Emergency 000

• Non emergency (Policelink) (131 444) - Police will attend to report, begin process of DVO

• DV Connect - Confidential online & telephone specialist counselling, information & referral service available 24/7. DVConnect exists to help Queenslanders escape domestic, family and sexual violence by providing crisis helplines, counselling, intervention, information, safety planning and pathways to safety, as well as emergency transport and accommodation away from violence. 

  • Men (1800 600 636)

  • Women (1800 811 811)

General

• Family and Child Connect (133 264) - Provides information and advice to people seeking assistance for children and families where there are concerns about their wellbeing. The service is designed to support vulnerable families by assessing their needs and referring them to the most appropriate support service. ECEC professionals may refer families to their local Family and Child Connect services - however they must seek the parents' consent to make this referral.

• Ask Izzy - Find the help you need, now and nearby. Use Ask Izzy to search over 370,000 support services in Australia. 

• The Centre For Women & Co. (3050 3060) - Information, safety planning, accommodation referrals, legal assistance, counselling, men’s programs

• Centre Against Sexual Violence (3808 3299) - Counselling, community groups, training

• Beyond DV - General (1800 732732) - 24/7 support programme, child support

  • Men’s line (1800 600 636) - 9am to 12am

  • Women’s line (1800 811 811) - 24/7

• Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) - Refers you to services appropriate for you, including family dispute resolution and counselling. Many initial services are at low or no cost.

Counselling Hotlines:

• 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) - The national sexual assault, family and domestic violence counselling service for anyone in Australia who has experienced, or is at risk of, family and domestic violence or sexual assault. Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone or online chat.

• Victims Counselling & Support Services (1300 139 703) - Crime witnesses & victims advice support, counselling & referral to appropriate services

• Mensline - (1300 789 978) - MensLine Australia is a telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns, including issues of violence. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

• Kids Helpline (1800 551 800) - Free service for kids to call for advice, counselling and direction

• Men’s Referral Service (1300 766 491) - The Men’s Referral Service is a men’s family violence telephone counselling, information and referral service for men using or at risk of using violent or controlling behaviour.

Financial Crisis and Emergency Relief Services

• Escaping Violence Program (1800 875 559) - The EVP will provide access up to $5,000 in vouchers, goods, cash, services and support.

• Salvation Army (13 72 58) - Financial assistance, employment support, accommodation

• St Vincent de Paul (Vinnies) (1800 846 643) - Accommodation, crisis resilience, 

• Anglicare (1300 610 610) - Providing emergency accommodation, financial counselling, emergency food relief

• Micah Projects’ Brisbane Domestic Violence Service (3029 7029) - 24/7 emergency accommodation, court support, programs for men and more

• Community Care (3347 5835) - Food hampers, clothing, hygiene, furniture

Legal Services:

• Legal Aid (1300 651 188) - Legal Aid Centres provide legal assistance to socially and economically disadvantaged Australians.

• Women’s Legal Service Qld (07 3392 0644) - Legal advice, divorce clinic

• Family Violence Law Help (1800 737 732) - Provides information about family and domestic violence and the law in Australia, and links to helpful references and support services.

• Specialist Domestic Violence Units (DVUs) - A referral hub for finding DV support services. Providing tailored legal assistance and other holistic support to women and children experiencing domestic violence, including financial counselling, tenancy assistance, trauma counselling, emergency accommodation, and employment services.

• Family Advocacy and Support Service (1800 737 732) - FASS combines free legal advice and support at court for people affected by domestic and family violence. 24/7.

APPS TO DOWNLOAD

Guides and Fact Sheets for Housing, Property Settlement and More

• Information on public and community housing (Department of Housing and Public Works QLD)

• A guide to property and money after separation (Legal Aid Queensland)

• Having trouble dividing your property after a separation or divorce? Try the Property Arbitration Program (using a third party to resolve property disputes)

• Legal Aid Application Form (can be used to apply for property arbitration)

• Relationships Australia Booklet: Fair Share – A guide for negotiating your property settlement

• Dealing with financial abuse, getting control of your money and financial management (WIRE)

• First steps for managing your money after separation (Money Matters) 

  • Financial checklist (Money Matters)

• Women’s Legal Service Queensland Property Information Sheet

• Fact sheets on when to leave home, protecting your children and more

What to do if someone you know is experiencing Domestic or family violence

If you are concerned that someone might be in an abusive relationship, and want to know how to help, keep reading. We’ll tell you about what to do, and what not to do.

It’s important to note that abuse of any kind is incredibly destructive to an individual’s self-worth, and can greatly damage them both physically and emotionally. Although the solution might seem straightforward to you (i.e. just leave the guy!), abuse is so much more complex than this. Remember that you can never truly understand what another person is going through; you must trust that they are the expert of their own situation.

Things to do and say:

• It is a sensitive topic, so approach it sensitively.

• LISTEN! Be quick to listen and slow to speak.

• Always believe what they say. It would have taken a lot for them to come to you, so take it seriously because it’s better to be safe than sorry.

• Focus on caring for their well-being more than telling them what to do. For example, use phrases like “I’m worried about you because…”

• Focus on their safety and helping them understand how the abuse is affecting them. You might also help them understand what they should do to protect themselves.

• Remind them of how strong and courageous they are. Identify and tell them about what strengths you see in them.

• It’s important to be patient and gentle with them as they journey through the process.

• Remind them that it’s not their fault and no one deserves to be abused, no matter what.

• Encourage them that it would be helpful to talk to someone about what they’re going through.

  • Walk them through the steps of ‘How To Report Domestic Violence’

  • Refer them to the Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service, a phone line that is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The trained counsellors will listen to their situation and guide them through their next steps to getting help. Call 1800 737 732 or visit www.1800respect.org.au 

Things NOT to do:

• It’s very important NOT to focus on why they are being abused or why they are choosing to stay or leave. The best thing you can do for them is to listen and support them, and focus on how they can stay safe.

• Remember, the solution isn’t straightforward. Avoid questions like “Why don’t you just leave him/her?” and “Why do you think he’s/she’s treating you like this?”. This subconsciously places blame on the person, as if it’s in their power to end the abuse.

• Don’t give advice or say what you would do; remember that they are the expert of their own situation. Your job is to LISTEN and to support them in whatever they decide.

• Remember, you aren’t in their shoes and you cannot truly understand what they’re going through. Do not be critical or judgemental of their decisions, no matter what they decide. They are doing their best, and it’s really tough to leave a partner (and even more so when there’s abuse involved).

(Crossway Baptist Church, 2019)

FAITH-BASED RESOURCES AND SUPPORT

PRAYER

A Healing Petition:  May God heal me, body and soul.  May my pain cease, may my strength increase, may my fears be released, may blessings, love and joy surround me.  Amen.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you;  do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I still strengthen you and help you;  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Prayer for Easing Pain:  Father, with you nothing is impossible.  You are God of all flesh, we love you and we are confident that no situation is too hard for you.  We come to you on behalf of this dear one seeking healing from cancer.  God, Jesus Christ has fully paid the price by the stripes He took;  we therefore are asking that the devourer gets off from this child of yours in Jesus Mighty Name, Amen.

Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.

Prayer for Healing:  Father God, we humbly pray for all those who are fighting cancer.  Give them the hope and courage they need each day.  Comfort them in their pain and bless them with healing.  Strengthen their family, friends and caregivers.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Jeremiah 17:14 Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed;  save me and I will be saved for you are the one I praise.

Prayer for Strength:  Lord, at the moment nothing seems to be able to help the emotions I feel.  My heart is broken and my spirit mourns.  All I know is that Your grace is sufficient.  This day, this hour, moment by moment, I choose to lean on You.  For when I am at my weakest Your strength is strongest.  I pour out my grief to You and praise You that on one glorious day when all suffering is extinguished and love has conquered, we shall walk together again.

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

SCRIPTURE

Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Psalm 11:5 The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence.

1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Galatians 5:19-21 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

James 1:19-20 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

1 Corinthians 3:16-17 Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple.

Romans 12:17-21 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Ephesians 4:29-32 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Proverbs 10:11 The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Psalm 72:14 From oppression and violence he redeems their life, and precious is their blood in his sight.

Psalm 10:17-18 O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more.

Matthew 5:21-22 “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.

Zephaniah 1:9 On that day I will punish everyone who leaps over the threshold, and those who fill their master's house with violence and fraud.

1 Corinthians 5:9-13 I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.”

Jeremiah 22:3 Thus says the Lord: Do justice and righteousness, and deliver from the hand of the oppressor him who has been robbed. And do no wrong or violence to the resident alien, the fatherless, and the widow, nor shed innocent blood in this place.

Psalm 140:12 I know that the Lord will maintain the cause of the afflicted, and will execute justice for the needy.

BOOKS

Broken to be Beautiful - Xenia Schembri

Healing Well and Living Free From An Abusive Relationship - Romona Probasco

Not Under Bondage - Barbara Roberts

When Your Past is Hurting Your Present

Rekiah’s Law - Kerryn Robertson

Hidden Evil: A biblical and Pastoral response

Married to the Enemy - Fraser Hannam

No Place for Abuse - Catherine Clark Kroeger

Is It My Fault? - Lindsey A Holcomb